Embedded Files
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
So, what’s love got to do with it? Well, everything really. Feeling loved and expressing love is a primal desire that needs to be met. We may have a pretty good idea of how we want to be shown love, but do we really know how our partners and children want to be shown love? How well do we express love toward our partners or children? When a client brings up some difficulty, they are having with a loved one, I ask them if they think they know what the other parties’ love language is. It’s a good starting point in trying to improve relationships that may need mending.
Bestselling author and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, identified five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. The 5 love languages that he identified are: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Once you identify what your love language is, you can communicate with confidence how it is that you would like to be shown love. In turn, identifying what your partner or child’s love language is, it will be easier to connect with them in a way that is more meaningful to them. You may think that saying ‘I love you’ to your child would clearly convey your love. However, if your child’s love language is not words of affirmation, then ‘I love you’ will not be as meaningful. Hugs or quality time may be how they perceive that they are loved. Chances are, you may need to step outside of your comfort zone when expressing the newly identified love language, as it could very well be different from how you are used to expressing love and how you prefer to be shown love. For example, your main way of showing love to your spouse may be doing things around the house for them because that is what you would like. However, if your spouse really feels loved by spending quality time with you, then they are not going to appreciate your acts of service as much as you would. The following are just a few examples of how to express each love language toward your partner or child that are noted in each respective book.
Physical Touch
Physical Touch
Adult- hugs, kisses, hand holding, massages, being intimate
Child-hugs, kisses, hand holding, wrestling, high fives, stroking head/hair, playing games or sports that require physical touch, tickling
Words of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation
Adult and child-compliments, identify strengths, saying thank you, words or notes of affection, encouragement
Quality Time
Quality Time
Adult-designate specific time and places for planned togetherness, doing an activity your spouse enjoys
Child-make eye contact, schedule one on one time together, make and share a meal together, play together
Gift Giving
Gift Giving
Adult- keep list of things that your spouse remarks that they would like to have, give small tokens of your affection, be creative with your gift giving
Child- small snacks or candies given as treats, prize box for good behaviors, personalized gifts with their name on them, scavenger hunt with special notes or little gifts
Acts of Service
Acts of Service
Adult- doing things that you know your spouse would like you to do, asking spouse to make a list of things they would like you to do during the next month, surprising the spouse with tasks completed, involving the children in helping
Child- helping your child practice for sports, helping them select outfit, make special surprise breakfast, serving others with your child in the community, doing an activity they love when they least expect it, assisting your child in helping them repair or troubleshoot something
Take the free quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com to identify your love language. There are also other free resources and tools available to help you strengthen the connection with specifically your spouse, child, and/or teen. You may be surprised by what you find out about yourself or loved one after taking the quiz. The results will not only identify your primary love language but secondary love language as well. Keep in mind that your love languages could rank differently over the years and so it is good to revisit periodically.
Relationships take continuous effort to maintain a quality connection. Identifying love languages is a definite way to build the foundation for a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. It is also a great way to mend or repair relationships. As Valentine’s Day approaches, keep in mind that saying I love you or giving flowers may not be what your partner is looking for. Take the quiz and find out what you and your partner really want.
Chapman, G. 2015. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield.
Chapman, G. 2016. The 5 Love Languages of Children. Chicago: Northfield.
Chapman, G. 2016. The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers. Chicago: Northfield.
Amber (Curtin) Kresovich, a Bellefonte native, is a Licensed Professional Counselor who owns a private practice, Mind Over Matter Professional Counseling Services, LLC. Amber has been a counselor since 2007 and has been in private practice since 2016 serving children, adolescents, adults in the area. Check out www.momcounseling.com for more information.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse